If you have been trying unsuccessfully at getting terminated from a job, then here is a quick and disturbingly effective guide for you.
So you are discontent, dysfunctional, discomfited and dis-eased with your job, and by hook or by crook you want to get terminated from employment.
You’ve tried to be as incompetent an employee as possible, and yet you’ve not fallen to prey to the job cuts and the economic recession, that people keep talking about (you’re an economist yourself, but don’t know what recession is, that’s how bad an employee you are but they’re still not firing you!) So what do you do?
Getting terminated is not very difficult. When in a soup, go for a coup, take an extreme step. Don’t wait for someone to slip the pink slip to you. Don’t wait for that entire long-drawn termination process. An easy way to get the office to rid themselves of you, is to become the number one villain of the office.
You don’t have to be very blatant in your villainy – you don’t have to get your face tattooed or scarred, nor do you have to empty a bottle of eye-liner onto your eyelid to get the deathly Gothic look.
You can always be subtle because ’tis the age of subtlety. Yes! You can dress up in pristine branded clothes, resembling the hero, when actually you are the villain. You don’t need to have a loud and guttural evil laugh, a snigger to the side will suffice.
So getting down to business, how do you go about becoming the villain in the office, thus, successfully ensuring losing your job? There are so many ways for losing a job that you will be amazed.
Sleep during meetings! Irrespective of whether they are boring or not. In fact, irrespective of whether the director is excitedly talking about his ambitious project to foreign clients, while speaking exceptionally bad Spanish at the top of his voice.
In fact, irrespective of the presentation having such bright slides that it would make Gwen Stefani’s makeup seem dull; still fake sleeping (you get the point).
And now is the time to use that loud, obviously fake and extremely distracting yawn you have been practicing since you were six years old. It’s sure to be a head turner and a job burner. Simple, soporific and a terrific way to get terminated from job.
Lord of the Trings
Cell phones have truly become more of a nuisance than anything else. Hence, why not take advantage of this and use this nuisance to become a nuisance yourself? Set your cell phone to the loudest and most annoying ring-tone ever.
Don’t stick to the staple ring-tone’s, make a style statement. If you’re a guy, you can keep a song that has a string of abuses or just to irritate people further, you can keep ‘I’m a Barbie girl’, and claim you have to keep it as you lost a bet, or you can use the chorus of ‘Mr. Lonely’, nothing irritates people more than that shrill high-pitched voice.
Oh and of course, ensure that your cell phone rings. Ask a friend to give you a missed call every half an hour. That’s what friends are for anyway, aren’t they!
Distress the Damsel in Distress
In every office, there is always the perennial damsel in distress, the woman who does not know how to even walk a step without beckoning for help, at which all the males in the office would leave their dying relatives bedside to spontaneously appear.
Yes, while most men will be at her beck and call (hoping half-heartedly for a peck and call), you need to willfully ignore her. Yes, this is a case where ignorance will be bliss. She will get disgruntled with your ‘discourteous’ behavior, and will use her popularity and get you fired.
There you go! This story will become the office version of Beauty and the Beast indeed. (Warning: There might be some people who will go about masquerading with placards claiming you were wrongfully terminated from job, or that you were terminated for no cause that was worthwhile. Take adequate measures to handle these people beforehand).
Who Let the Dogs Out?
When it comes to animals, at one end of the spectrum are hardcore non-vegetarians, whose digestive tract can only digest meat, while at the other end are PETA activists.
In between these two extremes, are people who are dead scared or dead allergic of animals. So if you have a colleague who is an asthmatic, then all you have to do is leave a cat in her office.
Also if you know of a colleague who cakes her face with so much make-up that her face looks double its original size, then you can just drop in a cute dog who can’t do without licking people’s face. And voila! Your new-found hobby of being the zoo-lander will land you with a pink slip, before you can say “Holy cow!”
The Whole Nine Guards
There is no better way than by capitalizing on your talent for procrastination. You always keep snoozing your alarm, thus ending up coming late to office.
The only difference is that now, you will purposely come late to office, and will not ask your horn-rimmed bespectacled best buddy to swipe your card for you while all the security guards aren’t looking.
Now, you will actually take credit for coming late. Stroll into the office at your own leisurely time like you’re the king of the jungle. If anyone asks you why you’re so late, you can suddenly turn into a nature-freak.
You can say things like “I was waiting to see the leaves turn yellow” or “I was waiting to see whether after rising from the east, does the sun stay there or not?” or you can even say “I was willing to test my neighbor’s patience level by seeing how long it takes for him to blow his top when I’m staring at him through my window.”
You can actually do these things if you want. And before you know it, you’ll be walking out of the office with the termination letter in your hand and a smile on your face.
Become the Gossip Girl
Use the office cooler for reasons besides thirst. You know that if the office cooler had ears, he would have to go that extra mile for asking for forgiveness from God for having sinned by hearing all the gossip that, he has no option but to hear.
And irrespective of your gender, you’ve been a part of that gossip group all through. The only difference will be that this time when people ask you if it was you, you only have to truthfully admit it, unlike vehemently denying it the way you always did.
You can say things like “Oh you know, Mel is on a diet! And you know why she’s going on a diet? ‘Cuz Sam told her she was too fat for him!” This will obviously enrage women who are members of WTF (Women True to Feminism), and they will go stomping off to eat Sam alive.
Of course, after the furor is settled, and you have been identified as the cause for the whole episode, you will be fired under clause no. 420 which states ‘Fired for causing discontent and discord in the harmonious and peace-loving office environment’, or some untrue clause like that.
Oh, but make sure that while you are leaving office with your packed brown boxes, leave Sam a sorry note, or at least your coffee mug (provided it is unstained and uncracked) or better still, a part of your remaining pay slip, if you get any at all that is.
Dumb and Dumber
Ever wondered what it must be like to be Archie for a day? Sans the noisy jalopy (do use one if you have one!) you can try out all the antics that he uses to bug the life out of Mr. Lodge.
Drop everything in sight, stumble on everyone in sight and if you have a cup of hot coffee in your hand, the more the merrier! Especially, use this trick if you know that the office environment is such that job stress is at its peak. If you see a colleague in a white or cream-colored shirt, let the loaded coffee mug ‘accidentally’ slip out of your hand.
Mix up your colleague’s extremely important documents just before his big presentation. Let the first slide of the presentation be ‘I am done. Thank-you for your time and money, suckers!’ Even if all the given tips fail, this one surely won’t.
All these ideas are purely for entertainment purposes (evil laugh). The way to quit a job in real life is by courteously going into the required person’s office cabin and putting down your papers.